Why Your Cat Judges Your Sex Life (And What to Do About It)

There is nothing that kills the mood faster than two glowing eyes staring at you from the top of the dresser. It's not just staring; it's evaluating. It's critiquing. It's Mr. Whiskers, and he is unimpressed with your stamina.

The Psychology of the Stare

Why do they do it? Why must pets congregate in the bedroom the moment intimacy begins? Experts (us) believe it is because they sense the disruption in the Force. Or, more likely, they think you are wrestling and they want in.

Cats, specifically, view human copulation with a mix of confusion and disdain. "Why are they making those noises?" "Why is the human female not feeding me right now?" "This seems inefficient."

Strategic Defense Measures

You have three options when dealing with the furry voyeur:

• The Lockout:

  Simple. Effective. Cruel? Maybe. Closing the door is the only 100% guarantee. However, be prepared for the "Paws of Protest" under the door and the song of their people (meowing) at volume 11.

• The Distraction:

  Food puzzles. Automatic laser pointers. A cardboard box. Give them something better to do than watch you struggle with a condom wrapper.

• The Acceptance:

  Just ignore them. Pretend they are a gargoyle protecting the room. If they jump on the bed, however, game over. Resume only after removal.

What NOT To Do

Do not try to maintain eye contact with the cat to assert dominance. It will not work. The cat will win. You will feel weird. Your partner will notice you staring at the cat and ask questions you don't want to answer.

Dogs Are A Whole Other Problem

While cats judge, dogs worry. A dog sees vigorous activity and thinks, "Oh no! Mom is being attacked! I must save her by licking everyone's face immediately!"

Nothing says "romance" like a Golden Retriever cold nose to the butt cheek. For dogs, the lockout is mandatory. Give them a Kong filled with peanut butter and put on some soothing jazz in the other room.

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